Steve talks about his experiences
Hi, I'm Steve, and this is a short story about me and my autism. I was diagnosed just over 12 months ago, aged 53, with AuDHD; this means I have co-occurring ADHD, and I am autistic. The diagnosis made me realise that the majority of the lifelong struggles I faced that others didn't seem to be real and that I wasn't imagining the struggles or that I was broken. As far back as I remember, I'd always said I wasn't wired right and didn't know what was wrong with me. I now know I'm just wired differently, and there is nothing wrong with me.
I realised that to cope, I masked everything I did, from friendships to relationships and throughout my varied career choices. This masking (hiding my true authentic self) was very tiring and damaging to my health and wellbeing, and why I was always in a state of crash and burn.
It is only now that I feel I can be my authentic self. I used to believe I knew who I was, but I didn't; I knew the person I'd become with that mask. Now I think I know the person behind that mask, and he isn't that bad a person; I have had to learn and understand who I was. I realised I didn't need to wear the mask; I could be me, and I quite liked that person, even the little things that annoy the hell out of me, such as my needle phobia, my various sensitivities to smells, noises and others that are too numerous to mention. I promised myself that I would not wear this mask and let people see me for who I was and not who I wanted them to see. It's not easy. I sometimes think life would be so much easier if I just wore that mask like before. However, then I realise I still struggle would crash and burn and mess up my mental health and end up in some dark and scary places that I wouldn't even want my biggest enemy to go, even if that prospect is a tempting one just to give them a glimpse of what their actions caused. Unmasking can sometimes be just as tiring as masking, but each day, I learn and understand a little bit more, and it gets a little bit easier.
When I have told people I'm autistic and have ADHD, some who thought they knew me look at me and say you don't look autistic or isn't ADHD just a kid thing, and you grow out of it. Are you sure you are? And no doubt some think it but won't say it. Some people look at the things I have achieved in life and say, but you can't be autistic; people can't do that. I was a chef (a damn good one, I'll add 😂), then when a congenital back condition stopped what I consider to be my one true calling, I was lost. I spiralled into deep depression but then retrained to go front of house as I enjoyed the catering & hospitality industry, so I became a manager in restaurants and even a couple of years as a fast food manager to then go back to hotels and into management, which I did for over 20 years. How did I do that? The answer is simple: I did it because I have ADHD and am autistic. In one hotel where I managed every department and became assistant manager, the staff would nickname me "Superman Steve" because I dealt with everything. If there was an emergency or crisis, I coped and dealt with it. From pouring over hours and hours of CCTV footage to find staff stealing or guests trying to steal TVs to 2 city centre riots and leaks.......I seemed to have lots of significant leaks in a short time that I thought someone was playing some sort of crazy game to test me and my abilities, hahaha. It was also the longest time I'd worked in one company, and to this day, it has a special place in my heart. A message to anyone out there, autistic or not, if anyone tells you that you can't do something for whatever reason, you can. I would still be in hotel management if I thought I could, but it isn't possible due to my back condition. For years, I've been trying to work out what I could do for a job that would give me the enjoyment that I wanted, but for years, I did not know. I do now know, and I am relishing the newfound passion I have and the challenges that I will face.
