Helen talks about her experiences
Over the years, I’ve had a long journey with mental health services, involving local recovery teams, hospital admissions, therapy, support workers and social services. I want to share my story with you. During the COVID-19 lockdowns in 2020, I began to struggle significantly with my mental health after 12 years without any hospital admissions. As a single mother of seven children, four of whom have additional needs including autism and ADHD, the lockdown left me feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Without access to our usual support networks or routines, I found it increasingly difficult to cope. Living with sensory overload and constant anxiety became my new norm, and each day felt like an uphill battle.
I took a big step and opened up to my children’s school about my struggles. They were incredibly supportive, allowing my daughter to attend school during lockdown, even though she didn’t have an EHCP like her two brothers. The school helped me contact social services to see what help they could provide, and a social worker visited our home weekly for six weeks to conduct an assessment. I also reached out to my GP, but months passed without any response from mental health services, and my condition continued to worsened.
After completing the assessment, the social worker informed me that our case was being closed, stating there were no safeguarding concerns and that my children were being well cared for. They referred us to Early Help, but during lockdown, they weren’t allowed to conduct any home visits and told me they weren’t the right people to assist us. I was left feeling utterly alone and abandoned. Inevitably, I reached my breaking point.
That night I sat writing letters to each of my children, desperately trying to express how much I loved them, even though I feared that they might never fully grasp just how much. Along with the letters, I wrote profiles for each child, hoping that others would come to know their unique characters, strengths and difficulties as well as I did. Although I knew I should have felt selfish for what I was doing, I had long since passed that point, I was so overwhelmed and dysregulated that I could no longer reason things out; in that moment, it seemed like I had only one option left.
The next day, consumed with unimaginable anxiety, I hugged my children tightly as I dropped them off at school, fighting back tears as I said goodbye. Then I made my way to a local nature reserve, there I took an almost fatal overdose. The police found me just in time, responding to a welfare check request by the school, concerned about my behaviour that morning. They accessed my home and laptop, examining my search history to determine my location.
Waking up in intensive care, I was overwhelmed with confusion and anger. This was not how I had planned things to be. Along with my growing anxieties, I now faced the added worry of other people’s disapproval and lack of understanding, which filled me with fear and increased my emotional distress.
After physically recovering in the hospital, I returned home to the same overwhelming situation, and my mental health continued to decline. Although the school had been supportive, social services - who had reopened my case while I was in hospital - closed it once more, stating that the concerns were about my well-being, not the children’s. This left me feeling abandoned once again, and after a particularly panic-filled day, I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
During my hospital admission, I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), which suddenly made sense of many of my lifelong struggles, especially with communication, social interactions and sensory difficulties. This new diagnosis made me question my previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). I started to wonder if some of the traits associated with BPD, like emotional instability and difficulties in relationships, were actually linked to my autism.
Following my diagnosis, a Care and Treatment Review (CTR) was held, which included an Expert by Experience. This review led to the recommendation of autism-specific therapy. I began this therapy with Emma, and later Jon, and it became a turning point in my journey. Their patient and understanding approach were unlike any therapy I had experience before. For the first time, I felt genuinely understood and heard. This gave me the confidence to open up about my emotions and experiences without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.
It came to realise that, throughout my life, I had often been misunderstood. I never seemed to fit in, and I always felt awkward when speaking, as if I was constantly saying the wrong thing, so I learnt to stay quiet. This made me reflect on my overlapping diagnoses and question whether my BPD diagnosis had been wrong all along. Maybe this was why years of therapy hadn’t helped, and why I found it so hard to engage. My autism diagnosis gave me a clearer understanding of myself, and it shifted the direction of my therapy toward addressing my needs related to autism rather than BPD. I am currently discussing with mental health professionals the possibility of reassessing the BPD diagnosis, which I, along with others, believe might be incorrect.
The support I’ve received through AWP from my personal assistants (PAs) has been invaluable. They’ve consistently helped with everything from household tasks to emotional support, including understanding and helping me to manage my sensory needs.
As I begin to plan for the future, I’ve completed my training and become an Expert by Experience co-trainer for the Oliver McGowan Mandatory Training and the National Autism Training program. This has reignited my passion for learning. I’ve also gained qualifications in Autism and Mental Health First Aid. These experiences have deepened my self-awareness and given the opportunity to help improve autism support for others.
My journey with mental health has been long and difficult, but the right support has made all the difference. Autism-specific therapy and consistent care from AWP, combined with my role as an Expert by Experience, have not only helped me rebuild my life but also given me the strength to help others. With the right understanding and support, even on the hardest of days it can bring hope.
